I Hold Your Heart Read online

  ‘Good girl, OK then,’ I say after a minute, and she dives forward, burying her face in the bowl.

  I look around the empty flat. It’s not like I was expecting anyone to be in; Dad spends more or less all his time at Jaquie’s and he’s made it pretty clear he’s not about to change just because his son’s shown up on his doorstep. Suits me. I can do my own thing. What would we talk about anyway after all this time … other than the dog, which Dad’s already admitted he only bought ‘to pull’ – disgusting thought, given he’s the wrong side of forty. He can’t even look after Moonshine properly, so it’s tough to picture him cooking my eggs the way I like them and sitting at the table with me like Mum used to. What’s he going to say? ‘Sorry about legging it off with Tania and leaving you and your mum to it, mate’?

  Love-of-his-life Tania who lasted about two months after he disappeared. C-minus Jack’s the latest in a pretty long line.

  I fix myself some of those pancakes that go in the toaster and check my bank account. I could afford a deposit on my own place now if I wanted to; I wasn’t bullshitting Gem about it, even if I got the sense she couldn’t tell whether or not I was. I could see it in that cute little furrow between her eyes she gets when she’s puzzling stuff out. But why waste the cash if I’m not getting bothered here? I’ve got bigger plans than making a few grand online developing mobile gaming apps, unless one hits it big. I look at Moonshine. I could do a dog-training app. But I want more. I read that investing is where the real money gets made. The place the winners hang out. And if the last few months have taught me anything, it’s that you have to be a winner or there’s no point even being here.

  I take my pancakes to the breakfast bar and perch on a stool, imagining my name reading ‘Aaron Weaver, CEO’. That cheers me up.

  A shower later and I’m humming under my breath, thinking about Gem. I pull up one of her videos to listen to as I get dressed. I should meet up with her. I have a look at the app I downloaded on my phone once I’d dropped her off safely; I figured she could do with someone looking out for her after last night. All I needed to do was put in her number.

  She’s at the Beach Cafe. I think for a minute, then grab the lead and a moment later I’m walking an ecstatic Moonshine down towards the seafront.

  I tie Moonshine outside and she lies down obediently, her face between her front paws. ‘Good girl,’ I say, then push open the door.

  At once, my smile fades. She’s sitting with ginger, lanky Cal, and as I walk towards them I see her hand on his. A minute later they’re high-fiving and he’s grinning into her face in a way that reminds me of the dog. For an instant, I’m back to Cherine laughing, Cherine gazing into that guy’s eyes …

  ‘Hey, Gem,’ I say.

  She lets out a shriek, one hand going up to her hair, and then she smiles in this totally different way to the one she was giving Cal.

  See, nothing to worry about.

  ‘Oh my God, Aaron! Hi!’ She jumps up and comes over, then goes in for a hug, starts to think better of it and smiles again instead, so I lean and pull her into me, smelling the fresh scent of her hair. My eyes meet Cal’s briefly over the top of her head. ‘It’s so good to see you,’ she says to my shoulder.

  ‘How’re you feeling? You look great,’ I say.

  Gem laughs. ‘I look like hell, but points for saying otherwise. I just need to go to the Ladies – back in a sec.’ She grabs her bag on the way, gives me another one of those beautiful smiles and disappears into the toilet at the back of the cafe.

  I slide into the seat she’s just vacated. ‘Hi,’ I say, and hold out my hand. ‘It’s Cal, isn’t it?’

  Cal’s handshake is all kinds of limp-wristed. ‘Hi,’ he says.

  ‘What have you two been up to?’ I say, giving him a full-voltage smile, which seems to relax him.

  ‘We’ve done our application for Gemma’s song. We’re going to audition.’ He gestures to some kind of confirmation message on the screen.

  I read it, then say, ‘Bristol? I’ll take you guys.’

  ‘That’s OK …’ Cal says, sounding uncomfortable.

  ‘You drive?’ I say, guessing he doesn’t.

  ‘No-o, but my brother—’

  ‘I’ll take you. It’s no problem. I’d like to support Gem. She’s really talented, she deserves to win.’

  ‘Yeah, she’s special,’ Cal says.

  Once, when I was a tubby, blushing loser, I got invited to a birthday party. Which for my mother was not far off the Second Coming: seven-year-old Aaron, like his fifteen-year-old counterpart, didn’t get invited to many social events. But this one was an all-class party, and though Jacob Mathis had set a precedent by holding a Laser Quest party for every boy in the class except me, even Tariq Khan couldn’t leave me out of a whole-class affair. The invite duly went in my book bag, and my mother got my hair cut and bought a button-down shirt that scratched but was ‘flattering – matches your eyes’. And hid the podge, though she didn’t say that part.

  There’s a picture of me at that party next to the entertainer, who was somewhere between a clown and a crap magician. He’d picked me out of the crowd to help him with a magic trick; some lame thing with a pack of cards. And I’m standing there holding an ace with an expression that’s a magic trick in itself: cover the eyes and you see my mouth, beaming, the curve of those hamster cheeks, but slide your hand down and my eyes are wary and alert, like I knew I was about to get rumbled for something.

  Cal has an air about him like that boy in the picture as I look at him. He reddens and says, ‘I mean, she’s got this amazing talent when it comes to writing songs. Unique, you know?’

  I’m still holding his gaze, searching. ‘I know it,’ I say, and it’s clear we both understand that I know how Cal feels about Gem.

  Just then she reappears. She’s clearly been doing her make-up and she looks stunning, not that she didn’t before, but it’s amazing what girls can do with the right amount: not too much, but enough to bring out her lips.

  I stand before she gets the chance to sit back down. ‘Moonshine’s outside. Fancy taking her for a run on the beach?’

  ‘Sure!’ She smiles, all sunshine, last night forgotten.

  And so is Cal. She turns and starts to walk out with me, before remembering he’s there and swivelling back to say, ‘See you in college? We’ll practise, like, all week, OK?’

  ‘OK,’ Cal says, then he does a thumbs-up. I give him a nod, and steer Gem out with one hand on her back, but as she rushes over to untie Moonshine, whose tail is going mental, I can’t help glancing back through the closing door at Cal, putting his laptop away. He looks up and meets my eyes before raising one hand in a weak sort of wave. I give him a big smile and let the door close.

  Chapter Eleven

  Gemma

  ‘That wasn’t bad for a first run-through, right?’ Cal says.

  We’re coming out of the music studio at college on Friday morning; we both do Music A level and Cal’s got permission for us to practise there when it’s free. The whole room is slightly dingy and run-down, but it does have decent acoustics. Sometimes I wish I could’ve gone to Portsmouth College. They’ve got recording studios, chances to do live gigs. But it was too far away by bus and no one would’ve been able to get me there by car, as well as Michael to football so … well, if I can get in to uni to do Music there will be opportunities there. And you’ve got to make your own, haven’t you? Like this competition.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, though I know we’ve got a long way to go to get it right.

  My phone goes off with a text and I whip it out of my pocket, then smile. Aaron’s been busy with his app-developing, but he’s been texting all week. This is his third message of the morning.

  At lunchtime, I get to the refectory and hover, looking for Aaron. He comes in just as Phoebe’s waving me over to where most of the gang are sitting at our usual table. I can’t see Esi; she’s probably in the library, but everyone else is there.

  ‘Do you want to
sit with your friends?’ he says.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ I hedge.

  ‘Shall I come?’

  I smile. ‘Yeah, let me show you off.’

  Aaron does a fast double-raise of his eyebrows that makes me laugh and we sit down.

  He’s met Cal and Rachael, of course – ‘Hopefully I don’t puke near you this time,’ she says easily – and I introduce him to Beth and Phoebe. Aaron gives them a wave, then says to Phoebe, ‘Nice earrings.’

  ‘Thanks!’ She’s got these sweet little parrots with tiny feathers in them.

  Cal gets out his phone and starts to jab away at some game. Aaron looks over his shoulder and says, ‘Hey, you want a cheat for that?’ He takes the phone and fiddles with it, then gives it back. Cal lets out a shout.

  ‘How did you do that? I can’t die!’ He looks around the table in amazement. ‘I can’t die, people!’ We all smile as he redoubles the jabbing.

  ‘Aaron develops apps,’ I tell them.

  ‘Really?’ Beth’s leaning forward. ‘I’ve been getting into coding.’

  The next thing I know, Aaron and Beth are deep in conversation about the merits of different building platforms.

  I watch, a warm feeling in my chest seeing Aaron getting on so well with my friends. He’s swapping email addresses with Beth now, promising to send her some useful links.

  ‘He’s so gorgeous,’ Rachael whispers in my ear. ‘And sweet. Seriously, Gemma, he’s like the full package.’

  ‘I know,’ I sigh happily.

  As if he’s got some sixth sense, Aaron looks up. ‘What?’

  ‘We were talking about, uh, periods,’ Rachael says, and I nudge her. ‘What?’ she says loudly, ‘I thought you wanted to talk about that flooding incident when—’

  I push my chair back. ‘Anyway, shall we go?’ I say to Aaron. He looks between me and Rachael, an adorable, confused expression on his face.

  ‘Um, sure. It was great meeting you all properly,’ he says. Everyone smiles and choruses byes back while I drag him away.

  ‘My friends really like you, I can tell,’ I say as the bell goes.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really really.’

  He looks so pleased for a minute, it’s like he’s twelve years old. Then it’s like he shakes himself or something and the pleased look is replaced by a cocky smile. ‘Just call me Mr Incredible,’ he says.

  ‘Idiot,’ I say, jabbing him in the ribs.

  Later, after college has finished, we get into Aaron’s car; he’s said he’ll drive me home.

  He has one hand on the rest thing between the seats – about two millimetres from my thigh. ‘Shall we drive out somewhere first?’

  ‘Sure!’ I say, although most of my brain is taken up with thinking how close his hand is to my leg.

  ‘Where shall we go?’ Aaron says.

  The beach is kind of becoming our thing, and he nods when I suggest it. We head out of town and towards the coast road and I realise I’ve suddenly stopped thinking about the sea as the vague backdrop to my normal life and instead as something special belonging to Aaron and me. Then I have an idea.

  ‘Why don’t we go to Lullsmouth? It’s only ten miles along. There’s this beach with an amazing cave. You can walk right to the back.’

  ‘Okey-dokey-do.’ Aaron says it without thinking and I laugh at the unexpectedness of this. In response, he leans down and flicks on some music, which swallows up my laughs. It’s not country this time, but rock, the thud of bass going through the back of my seat.

  When Aaron takes a sharp bend, I fling out both hands to steady myself. ‘Uh, I think this road gets quite narrow here,’ I shout over the noise of the music, but I don’t think Aaron hears me. The next moment, something comes around the corner at the same time as us and Aaron slams the brakes on so hard my head swings forward, then back against the headrest, my seatbelt locking tightly against my chest.

  ‘Whoa …’ I start, in what I hope is a jokey voice, but Aaron’s too busy beeping, then exchanging the finger with the other guy, to hear. We manage to wriggle past, but now my excitement’s been swallowed whole by a knot in my stomach. What is it with guys and cars? Dad’s the same. I’m about to yell ‘Slow down!’ but Aaron has that same set look in his eyes Dad gets when he’s in one of his driving moods, so I settle back again without commenting until we get to the little parking bay at Lullsmouth, when I say, ‘Here’s good.’

  I have to repeat myself, then Aaron finally seems to notice I’m still in the car and turns in sharply at the last minute. He parks up, switches off the engine and suddenly there’s quiet. I glance at him, see he’s still got that pale look of anger about him, so I say, ‘Wow, that guy was an arsehole.’

  Aaron smiles at this, then hops out to get a ticket. By the time he returns, he’s got his usual bounce back and it gives me this rush of relief. He puts the ticket on the dashboard, then comes around to where I’m oh-so-casually leaning against the car. I’m not about to say anything about the driving: years of watching Mum bite her tongue have taught me it’s the best plan, but to my surprise Aaron takes one of my hands and says, ‘Sorry if I scared you earlier. I was probably going a bit fast. It just winds me up, because that other guy was, too, but he reckons he can pin it on me because I’m younger …’

  I’m so surprised at the way that, unlike Dad, Aaron can stop and apologise, that I don’t reply for a second, and by the time I’ve decided what to say, Aaron’s mouth is already heading for mine.

  We fold into the kiss, Aaron up close to me, the car at my back. My heart’s flying and this time it’s with a mixture of all the feelings: nerves, excitement and, to be totally honest, I’m massively turned on. Especially when he pushes even closer so he’s pressed right against me and runs one hand down my side so it’s resting just above my butt. The whole thing’s so hot I think I’m actually getting the weak legs they go on about in songs, but then he kind of pushes his tongue in further and it goes from hot to vaguely gag-making. It takes a few seconds to move my head to one side.

  ‘You OK?’ Aaron says between a couple of breaths so heavy they’re like sighs.

  ‘Yeah, just coming up for air!’ I say, and sidestep a little. Aaron pulls back and for a tiny moment I think I see the same road-ragey look on his face as in the car, but then I realise I’m mistaken because he takes my hand and gives it a gentle stroke, his eyes soft.

  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I could kiss you all day.’ Then, seeming to sense the moment’s become pretty intense, he gives another grin and pulls me away from the car towards the beach. ‘So let’s have a look at this cave then.’

  We walk along, carrying our shoes and socks. Good job I remembered to remove all the chipped varnish and repaint my toenails yesterday, otherwise this would’ve been a disaster. The beach is this empty expanse of fresh sand, cool and soft underneath my feet. We’re not talking much, but in that comfortable way you get when you’ve known someone a long time. I think.

  ‘Here it is,’ I say as we get to the cave, doing a ta-da motion with my hands.

  ‘Wow.’ Aaron peers in. ‘How far back does it go?’

  ‘Pretty far.’

  We go in. At once, everything’s much cooler, the smell of sea mingling with rock. I’m not entirely sure rock has a smell, but caves do. I put one hand out to touch damp smoothness. At the very back of the cave, where it’s gloomier, Aaron looks up to where light seeps through a small gap in the rocks above our heads.

  ‘Do you reckon a person could get through that?’ he says.

  ‘Only if they were really skinny.’

  ‘You should give it a try,’ Aaron says.

  I’m so pleased he thinks I’m skinny that I’m standing there just savouring it for a minute, when he lifts me as though to boost me up. I let out a shriek and clutch at him as my head looms closer and closer to the ceiling. ‘I’ll get stuck!’

  He lets me drop, catching me around the waist so I don’t fall over as my feet hit the floor. Then he pulls me
in against him again and we start kissing. This time his hand moves straight to my breasts over my top; first one, then the other, and it feels OK here in the dim light, the sound of the sea hushed and far away, like we’re not quite in a real place. His other hand is basically on my butt, then up to the back of my head, then down my back and towards my butt again.

  What feels like a very long time later, I break off. Both of us are breathing hard.

  ‘You are one –’ he seems to substitute a word at the last minute – ‘amazing girl.’

  ‘I know,’ I say. It comes out in a gasp, which wasn’t quite what I was going for. Luckily, he probably can’t see how much I’m blushing in the gloom. When he tries to kiss me again I duck away, towards the light. Outside, the sun’s come out and it takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the glare coming off the sea. I feel weird, I suddenly realise. Like when you’ve gone over the top on a roller coaster and you’re hitting the first big turn, wind whipping your face, everyone screaming. Arms up high.

  Aaron’s standing next to me, looking out to sea too. After a moment I turn my head and realise he’s not; he’s actually looking at me.

  ‘Are you OK?’ His voice is so gentle, it’s hard to hear it above the waves.

  I give a bright smile. ‘Of course!’

  ‘I wasn’t –’ he coughs, colours up – ‘coming on too strong? It’s just,’ he adds in a rush, ‘you’re so sexy. I mean –’ he pushes his hand through his hair sheepishly – ‘beautiful.’

  I start to smile, because he’s stumbling over himself and it makes me feel more … I don’t know, in control, I guess. Then he takes one of my hands and the whole world seems to be fading out, so all I can see are his hazel eyes holding mine. ‘I really like you,’ he continues. ‘Like, a lot. I’ve never met someone like you before. And … I know this is kind of soon, but I think when you know, you just know. That there’s something special here, something as huge as this.’ He gestures to the dancing light skimming the waves. The sea goes on forever. I manage a small nod, my heart going fast.